I'm behind the bitch....

Finally...my first dispatch from behind the bitch.

The bitch has actually been here for quite a while. I bought her when we moved in.

Getting her home from the thrift store was a pain. She weighs more than a hippopotamus, and she's wider than Nell Carter's ass.

Of course she had to fight me every step of the way. I was lucky to get her off the truck using a hand truck and brute strength.

Next, she wouldn't fit through the man room door. I took the door off it's hinges and managed to squeeze her in. But I skinned two knuckles doing it.

At that time, my man room was a filthy mess with no carpet. She had to sit on her side for a few months. Still, I could hear her calling to me at night. Sometimes a whisper, other times a demonic screech.

As I began to work in the man room, she always seemed to be in the way. No matter where I put her, she stymied my attempts at laying carpet, cleaning walls and hanging pictures.

It was then that I realized I was in love. She was made for pain, she was made for death, she was made to foster hatred. And I am now ready to harness her power.

She will be my partner. Together, we will spew bile and filth upon this earth. Our thoughts will be dark. Our intentions will always be the worst. We will never see the good. We will never honor those we don't respect.

For the past couple of years, I kinda feel like the world has put it to me. Darkness hounded my steps, confusion often made rational thought impossible. Many nights were long; many days were dismal.

But everything is different now. She and I are together. As a team, WE will put it to the world.

The bitch just whispered. She said, "Tell mother nature to bend over and spread 'em."

God I love her.

Something else no one wants to talk about.

Seriously, I'm completely serious about the seriousness of this seriousity. The high cost of refrigerator repair has finally gotten out of hand.

My beloved ice maker broke a couple months back. I don't think you understand the severity of this situation. I love that ice maker.

That ice maker to me is more important than indoor plumbing. I can pee on a tree, I can have a BM behind the back shed, but I'll be damned if I'm filling another damn ice tray.

The worst part of it is I'm addicted to using ice. 90 percent of what I drink on weekly basis is ice water. Notice the first word. You can't have ice water without ice and water. Really, who the hell ever heard of drinking just water?

When the ice maker broke, we were a little broke, so we went to the dollar store and bought some ice trays. For two months, we made due.

Finally, after my beautiful, saint of a mother came over and cleaned out my ice trays and didn't refill, I snapped. My wife had one last free week before starting a new job, so I said we should get it fixed.

Yeah, we were given an estimate of $75. After the local yokel showed up, somehow the price ballooned to $350. THAT IS A DAMN OUTRAGE!!!!!

I work for literally minutes at a time at my job, I pay my taxes when the government makes me, and I go to church at least once every seven years...and this is what I get in return!!??! An ice maker repair bill for $350? Seriously, serious?

Well, we paid the cash. And, it's been worth it. Hell, I've got enough ice in there currently to freeze the balls off a water buffalo.

But, I will be bitter until the U.S. lawmakers pass my bailout. It's time for people like me to get what's coming to them. A nice fat check and a 32 oz. cup of cold, delicious tap water.

Anything less would be uncivilized.

Butterbeans and Longing

Last weekend, I saw a walking Butterbean marry a huge piece of cornbread. Don't believe me? I have pictures to prove it.

In my little town, everyone is worried about where you go to church. But, they'll close down the city's main street to let this type of un-godly union occur. I, for one, stand against that sinful and unnatural union, and I know that Jesus and Moses would agree.

FIGHT THE POWER!!!!!