Cardboard Crusts and Skimpy Toppings

Oh God…I just ate three pieces of Little Caesar's Pizza. Why? I'm not really sure.

Well, that's a lie. I know why I ate it. I didn't have a lunch, and I was trying to be a good little dude and participate in a workplace lunch thing. (My contributions were a 2-liter Mountain Dew, a bag of tortilla chips, and a jar of salsa. Pretty respectable.)

While I digest, I've got to throw this out there. Seriously, this has been on my mind for quite a while now. I don't think Little Caesars should be able to call the food they now produce pizza.


'But Phil, if we can't call it pizza, what should we call it?'


I say 'Little Caesars' food product'. I think that has a very nice ring to it.

Yep, Little Caesars' food product is to pizza what an old bicycle is to a Harley Davidson. They have the same general shape, the same general usage, but one is a joy to ride/eat while the other is a soul-sucking machine of death. (Yes, the bicycle is the soul-sucking machine of death…don't question me you hippies!)

Sure, sure, one is cheaper. But the cheap one has no flavor, no quality, no joy. It's something you use only when you have to. A necessary mode of transportation/nutrition only to be used when there is no other choice.


'But Phil, how can you be the sole decider about what pizza is good and what pizza is bad?'


Great question, I'm glad you asked. The last time I went to my favorite pizza place in Birmingham, Cosmo's Pizza in Southside, I ordered a large pesto sauce pizza with Italian sausage and mushrooms.

When the waiter brought our pizza to the table, he told my wife and I that he had just returned from a trip to Italy. He said the pizza at Cosmo's was the closest thing he had to the pizza that he ate while in Italy.

Ding, ding, ding…we have a winner.

So, I have it from a good source that pizza I have eaten is at least a distant third cousin to the pizza created in Italy, the homeland of pizza.

Thus, I can reach the following conclusion. Since Little Caesars' food product tastes nothing like the pizza I have had at Cosmos, it stands to reason that the food product Little Caesars now produces IS NOT PIZZA!!!!

God I'm brilliant.

I'm blowing the lid off of the entire pizza industry with just with my thoughts and deductions. I know, it's awesome! Sherlock Holmes has nothing on me.

This is the kind of hard-hitting, in-depth research I always dreamed of doing when I entered journalism school. I wonder why no one wants to pay me to do it?

Well, I gotta go. I'm still hungry, and someone told me there's some chips and dip and Little Caesars' food product left. I hope it's sausage.